Very Good Dating Advice

How do I ask somebody out?”

Listen, as a registered Relationship Expert, I’ve been asked this question hundreds of times. Over the years I’ve perfected the best way to ask somebody out. The first step is to find an eligible love interest. Ideally, you would already have a crush on somebody, but this isn’t necessary. You can also select a random neighbor or acquaintance. Once you’ve identified a person, purchase a box of matches and write pickup lines on each one. Over the course of a month, give this person one match every day to build suspense. Keep the last match in the box for later. Find out where they live and make sure they are inside of their home. Arrive slightly before the sun goes down. Write ‘____, will you go out with me?’ on the side of their house with a tank of gasoline. When the sky is at that perfect pastel pink color, use your last match to set your message aflame and wait for your crush to notice. This has never gone wrong.

 “How do you meet people?”

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“How do I get my crush to notice me?”

There’s a variety of ways you can go about getting your crush’s attention, and it really depends on the person and your preexisting relationship with them. My tip, however, is that when you want someone to notice you in a romantic way, mail them a dead bird. (I do recommend that the bird is already dead because the Innovator staff does not condone animal cruelty. Mailing a live bird would result in the bird dying in transit, and killing a bird is cruel.)

“My significant other is too clingy. What should I do about this?”

We’ve all had relationships where the significant other is just a little too attached, whether they are a romantic partner, a friend, or the family cat. A generic advice columnist would tell you to let them down easy — but I, a certified relationship expert, advise the opposite. Break their heart. Make them feel completely secure in the relationship, and then at the exact moment they least suspect it, dump them. You don’t have to stay apart forever if you don’t want to — just wait a healthy amount of time before taking them back. They’ll learn to keep their distance.

“I’m afraid of rejection. Any advice?”

I can tell you firsthand that rejection is a very scary concept and it can be hard to put yourself out there when rejection is such a real possibility. The best way to handle rejection is to close yourself off to all romantic advances and push away everyone who tries to get close to you. This way, you appear cool and aloof, and only those who are really serious about liking you will dare to try to pass your guarded and slightly violent exterior.

“My friend and her boyfriend are always making out in the hallway and it’s really annoying. How do I ask her to stop?”

This is actually a fairly easy one. You don’t even have to talk to her. Simply buy a spray bottle at your local convenience store, fill it with water, and carry it around with you during the day. When your friend and her boyfriend are showing too much PDA in an academic setting, spray them in the face with water until they separate.

“Does holding hands cause pregnancy?”

Yes.

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