Very Good Dating Advice

“How do you get someone to like you?”

I get this question quite often. I think the best way to go about it is the way animals attract mates in nature — by showing off your hunting skills. This does not necessarily mean you have to go hunting, though. If you can figure out how to make store bought steak look like something you caught, great. But I feel like that can look unrealistic at times, so I would suggest finding some roadkill, giving it a nice hat, and carrying it around with you. Soon, you’ll have hundreds of suitors!

“I want to break up with my girlfriend but I don’t want to hurt her. How should I do it?”

Breakups are always hard, and there’s no real way to go about them without someone being emotionally hurt. In my experience, I find heartbreak to be far more tolerable when it’s a physical experience. Don’t break her heart — give her heart failure. My favourite way to do this is through mercury poisoning, which can be a long term venture or a short term one. You can do this by purchasing fish that have been exposed to mercury and feeding it to them, or you can smash an old thermometer and put it into their drink. Works like a charm!

“I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. How do I find out?”

Kidnap your boyfriend. I know it sounds drastic, but it’s really the only way to do it. Blindfold him and disguise your voice so you can ask him about how committed he is to you. He won’t suspect anything, and you’ll get the answers you need. 

“How much internet stalking is too much stalking when it comes to your crush?”

There can never be too much internet stalking. Find their distant relatives and follow them so you can screenshot pictures of your crush in the second grade. Like all of their posts — even the ones from 2015. Become best friends with their sister using a fake account. As long as you aren’t hiding under their bed, the sky is the limit.

“I like this person, and they like me back, but they don’t want to be in a relationship. What should I do?”

Honestly, just be grateful that you have that person in your life. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes it’s better to have a friend. Maybe one day you’ll both be ready for a relationship, but until then, have fun being single. 

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