Totally Legitimate Advice (Covid-19 Edition)

All material in this article is for satirical purposes only. Please do not take this as legitimate advice.

I have strict parents who won’t let me go out at all. What do I do?

Well, your parents’ fears aren’t completely unfounded, and it’s best that you listen to them. It may get boring being at home all the time, and you may be looking for ways to pass time. I find the most fulfilling way of doing this is by pursuing a personal project. One project I recommend is designing and building a nuclear reactor! It’s all the rage, and will provide an excellent source of power in the upcoming apocalypse.

The vaccine is coming out. How can I be sure that I’ll be safe?

The vaccine is pretty safe and has a high success rate. If you’re really concerned about it, I would recommend consuming Spam. Once you have enough preservatives in your body, it’s guaranteed that you’ll live forever so you won’t have to worry about any virus at all.

What are safe ways to meet up with people?

In a time like this, it is important to maintain proper social distancing when meeting with people. One of my favorite things to do with friends while maintaining social distancing is summoning demons. There’s nothing like having a nice conversation with a duke of hell. The summoning circle, if done correctly, will ensure the proper distance is kept between people.

What if I can’t meet up with people but still want that person-to-person connection?

If Zoom calls, Facetime, Discord, etc. aren’t cutting it for you, then the solution, of course, would involve demons. Unlike the larger demons, lesser demons can be easily summoned by a single person. A demon friend will keep you company for the small price of your soul.

My internet is always slow or inconsistent, making it hard to participate in class. How can I fix this?

Obviously, if your internet isn’t working, then you shouldn’t be using your internet. One straightforward solution is to piggyback off a neighbor’s wifi.

Well, what if my neighbor is a caveman and doesn’t have a working internet connection?

Here’s where we have to take drastic measures. If you’re not satisfied with your internet service provider, you’re going to have to become your own internet service provider. All you need are some radio towers and fiber optic cables to get started!

Hopefully these tips will carry you through the rest of the school year, despite the pandemic!

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